Asking For Help – Eventually

Okay I will admit it, I am pretty fucked up at the moment, and by pretty fucked up I mean REALLY REALLY fucked.

Denial of how bad things are in mooseland has reached breaking point and “fake it till you make it” just does not work for me so grudgingly I went to the Dr today. Garry made an intervention on behalf of moose if you will….

So what exactly is wrong?

in simple terms – FUCK KNOWS..

I am in a mess if truth be told and hiding has become a specialty, hiding away in bed from the world outside, barely setting foot outside the flat, still I guess in someways it can be seen as progress that I am actually sleeping in the bed and not the sofa… I am averaging about 18 hours a day in bed at the moment not all sleeping, lots of frankly bizarre dreams which wake me up a lot. It is unusual that I remember my dreams as it is but lately some of them are just insane. The theme of them has changed recently but not for the better! Before they were constantly about Sheryl, now they all revolve around me being alone with no where to turn. I would love to describe them fully but to be honest they freak me out a bit..

I am tired of fighting constantly, fighting to keep going forwards when I feel like I am in reverse. It feels like I am in a boxing fight with my hands tied behind my back and my energy levels are at an all time low.

It seems the harder I try to move on with life and fight the worse things get!

On top of this is a few revealing insights that have been given me to, all meant in the right way yet devastating in the truth that lies within them

I do try to be a good person and to help others, but is there really a hidden agenda behind my willingness to do this?

Do I really just help others because I want them to notice that I need help?

Do I really push people away to see who comes back? if this is the case how many times can I keep doing it before I end up with nothing and no one?

I know I am desperate for therapy and help but its still not forthcoming from the mental health team. It is nearly 2 years since I was referred to them and in all this time I have had 2 appointments. One was a 30 minute chat with a cpn who simple said I was not bipolar – I still have my doubts about that! and the other was with a psychologist in November who said I would hear from them “soon”. Thankfully my dr is writing to them today to try and chase this up as she can see that I would benefit from therapy and that I am getting worse and not better.

Is the only way to get help for mental health problems to access them via  A and E? thankfully I am not considering a visit there anytime soon but how long is soon for fucks sake.

I need help and I need it sooner rather than later

and worryingly this is just the tip of the iceberg…..for now lets hope doubling up my medication will have some effect or have I just become immune to them now as well….

 

 

 

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Walls

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

I’m away for a hide for a little while, no idea how long could be hours, days or weeks but I’m not great at the moment having a crisis of confidence.

Sadly, that inner voice that I had hidden (or ignored) has come back and asked all manner of questions that I had avoided asking let alone trying to answer.

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

So I am going to do the hardest thing and sit down and work out the answers, no matter how painful.

For now the walls are up, people not allowed in and I have to face this alone.

 

Hide and Sleep

Almost like the kids game hide and seek except I don’t want to be found, nor do I want to be woken up.

All I want to do is hide away from everyday stresses and challenges that are mounting up and reducing my enthusiasm and energy levels for doing pretty much anything!

I have reverted back to the old days of hiding myself away from people, I have removed myself from groups on Facebook that have been part of me for years. Not that anyone has noticed mind you but that is by the by, why should people notice if I am around or not when I have nothing useful to offer.

As a father, husband and a friend I am pretty useless at the moment, wallowing in self pity is my biggest trait currently.

Take today as an example, our internet and TV service was suspended as the bill was overdue, now our bill is insane given our financial situation but I couldn’t be without my internet or sports. So after hunting round and finding a credit card that had enough to cover the bill I had to wait for the service to be reactivated. So what did I do? I slept until 2 pm because I couldn’t handle not being able to come online, or watch TV!

Priorities all wrong I hear you cry, and I am ready for people to criticise me for having such a high bill and package for TV but then as I don’t ever leave the house unless essential why shouldn’t we be able to have entertainment indoors? it just so happens that we were a few days short of paying the bill this month and virgin media wouldn’t wait!

Besides my worryingly over reliance on the internet, my intentions towards over people are good! I really do want to help others deal with depression and other mental health illnesses. I make an effort to contact people via social media if I can see they are having a rough time, or even if I notice an absence of activity and I would like to think it is appreciated rather than me being a pain in the arse!

I guess from my point of view I committed the cardinal sin of mental health which is to worry about other people to the extent that I forget to look after myself. I can’t help it I like the idea of helping people but truth be told I don’t think I am a nice or good person! I am the first to moan that people don’t contact me, it’s all about me and my issues not you and your problems and I hate that about myself I really do.

(Hopefully at this point people will say otherwise!)

I didn’t even manage to attend the time to change event at the weekend that I volunteered for, the truth was all I could do was sleep. I couldn’t face it, yet felt awful for letting people down.

You see the problem with this moose when he is going through a rough patch like this is that he becomes very needy! To the point of attention seeking! see I admitted it, I know my faults and don’t deny them. This doesn’t mean I do anything about them of course but acknowledging them is the first step right?

If anyone has any suggestions for combating this need to be loved, admired or simply wanted I would be grateful because it drives me mad! I wish I knew why I was so obsessed with numbers and stats my life would be much better if this was not the case.

Don’t hate me for it you will grow to love me for my neediness honest!

Meanwhile if you see a sleeping moose don’t wake him, sometimes a sleeping moose is a happy moose! or at the very least a non moaning, miserable bastard moose!

Photo Credit: Google

Photo Credit: Google

Fat Lip and Bad Luck

Haven’t posted since Friday which is the longest period of silence since I started blogging!

It has been a rough few days emotionally and physically but I am still here fighting hard, just sometimes the fight goes when so many things conspire against you.

I ventured out into the big bad world of Christmas shopping last week with some money in hand to get some presents for the wife and kids. After buying a few pieces for everyone I went into one last shop for a big spend up and at that point realised that the money I had left over, about £150, was gone! Somehow between shops I had lost the last remaining money for Christmas! Either my pockets were picked or it simply fell out by itself I do not know but I am determined not to let it get me too down or I will end up destroying myself!

Sick does not even come close to describing my emotions so as a result I have been in hiding from the world.

I did get my lip pierced though so as a treat for you all here is the Moose with a fat lip and a photo that makes me look like a serial killer!

Fat Lip!

Fat Lip!

 

As of today I am in an improved mood. In fact over the weekend I was a good boy even doing some chores around the house and cooking dinner for everyone last night. Brownie points for me that I am saving for the next time I piss Sheryl off LOL

I am trying to embrace Christmas this year for the sake of the kids but it really is not my favourite time of year, growing up with mum and dad fighting every christmas will do that to you but Lilybet is very excited this year but unfortunately for me she has already “written a letter to santa to tell him you have been naughty” so no presents this year for Moosey!

 

Hiding

Was searching on google for a perfect image to describe my state recently and this one fits the bill nicely.

hid·ing/ˈhīdiNG/

Noun:
  1. A physical beating.
  2. The action of concealing someone or something.
Synonyms: concealment – thrashing – beating – leathering

 

The action of concealing someone.

Why I am hiding or what I am hiding from I am yet to work out but I am going through a phase of just wanting to sleep constantly. Wake up and within a few hours heading back to bed again.

I am a shitty father to Brandon because he rarely sees me, I am asleep when he leaves for school in the morning and 9 times out of 10 when he gets home from school I am back in bed sleeping. I feel sorry for him because he is such a sensitive kid he worries about me, but I do make a point of trying to explain how depression works but at the same time he is 13 and wont understand fully bless him.

Lilybet is a different matter because she forces herself onto me which is great and I really love having her around, daily I take her to nursery because “daddy takes me and mummy picks me up” but again usually I am sleeping when she comes home.

Speaking of Lilybet I asked her yesterday why she never stays with me when Sheryl goes to work (once every 2 weeks for 4 hours!) her reply was “because you get on my nerves!”

So there we have it I get on the nerves of a 3 year old!

If you see a moose hiding in the shadows try coaxing him out he really doesn’t want to be there but cant seem to force himself out of hiding.