Remembering Who I Was

Making this blog active again and reopening my facebook page has been a real eye opener for me. For the first time in a very long time I actually feel like I belong somewhere again. I feel a great deal of pride in what this blog accomplished many years ago and as a stat whore my numbers astonish me that a humble little blog could have such a big number of views, visits and followers considering the subject matter. Writing about mental health has been a challenge at times when I could barely function yet its been a life saver and changer for me at times. Check out the photo below this little site is nearing ninety three thousand views!! 93,000 imagine that!

Having this site available to the world again gives an insight into my journey from depression heartbreak suicide attempts and recovery and back into heartbreak again. The majority of the posts here where written when I was suffering from depression and then once I felt that life had finally brought happiness again I walked away from a world where I was well known, respected and someone who was available for others at their lowest points. In 2013 I was on the end of the phone to 7 people as they were at the point of ending things and I talked them around – more than anything this is something Im extremely proud of. I made a difference to people.

I’ve spoken about mental health from my experiences and many other personal aspects of my life and the feeling of goodwill I have received has really boosted my self esteem in the last few days. I forgot I was good at writing, I forgot I could be interesting to other people.

I need to look after my own health both physical and mental. As far as depression goes right now I would be honest enough to admit I’m struggling. I’ve been a lot worse and I have no real fears mentally.

I feel happier than I have in a while. I’m busy reconnecting with old friends healing wounds building bridges and finally remembering that in actual fact I’m not that bad. I’m flawed in many ways but I’m a good person if allowed to be me. maybe that was part of the problem, I was too busy being stifled to be the man who helped countless others..

so today I can go to sleep feeling proud of myself once more and feeling like I have finally found my place again

 

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Feeling Alive

Waking up each day with a smile on my face

reaching for the phone, eyes still barely open to send a quick “good morning” message

laughing at some of the absurd things said the night before

butterflies when a message comes through

hours spent each day talking, laughing and making future plans

that feeling of excitement as it nears the day we see each other again

the anticipation of more quality time knowing it gets better every time we see each other

living my life again, making memories

this is how I envisaged things being one day… feels like that day has finally returned

I am happy and I am blessed to feel this way again

it has made all the struggling, fighting and tears worth while to feel like this

I love feeling alive…

It’s My Birthday… Two Today!

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of this blog. The Depressed Moose is 2 years old… I am almost in big boy pants and can officially stop shitting myself in nappies and use the toilet….doesn’t mean I am going to quite yet..baby steps and all that 😀

As with any 2-year-old I am like a sponge absorbing lots of information and being excited at every new thing I learn and discover, and still grinning like a baby with trapped wind most of the time too. It is exactly how I fell these days though even if it makes no sense at first with the baby analogies.

My mental health has never been better than this moment in time, even during my rocky moments I feel more like I am going through the “normal” range of human emotions than depression taking hold of me again and this is a great weight of my shoulders. I can laugh, cry, sulk (and apparently I do a really good sulking pout!> in the normal way without worry about mania, depression or anything else being a cause.

Unless this heat continues because it is a sure-fire way to bring back my depression if I am not careful. My flat is like a greenhouse at the moment which makes it hard for me to sleep at night, and lack of sleep equals grumpy, moody hide from the world Garry so I am working hard on trying to combat this – prevention is always better than cure after all.

New beginnings always help and I am lucky that things have progressed with the wonderful lady in my life to the point where we are now starting a relationship and moving forwards together. Katie AKA Miss Donut has been a breath of fresh air in my life since we met. It can be hard work at times, I am not renowned for my patience which doesn’t help, but hard work brings the best rewards and she is great company, great fun and a brilliant new addition to my life. It is nice feeling butterflies and acting like a love-sick teenager again and being able to fight for someone you want in your life is a sure sign that I am recovering nicely from depression, as it having someone fight to be with you as well. In the past I would have walked away from anything that was not easy…..not this time, we are overcoming hurdles together and both happy with how things are going. I have not been this happy for as long as I can remember and I aim to ensure it stays this way. She makes me very happy and I am lucky to have her!

Planning for the future is not something I have done for years, but I am now and trying to create lots of new memories with the wonderful Katie, having stored plenty already since our first conversation. It would also be nice if I could remember to engage the brain and the mouth before I spoke but that has been an issue for 35 years, luckily I am cute with it, even if I do say so myself.

So raise a glass to cupid, to new love, to new beginnings, to friends who I would never have met without this little blog and to the next year(and hopefully more writing!)

 

 

 

Breakeven (Falling to pieces) – The Script

One song more than any other perfectly sums up how I feel lately..

 

“Breakeven”

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break…
No, it don’t break
No, it don’t break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
(Oh I’m falling, falling)
I’m falling to pieces,
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even)

Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no

Flutterby Damn Butterflies

I saw a photo today and straight away the butterflies returned…

This is why I HAD to remove all photos from the flat because the daily reminders were too painful, I would love to be able to have a look through the albums etc but just one single image and the cracks reappear.

If only she knew how I feel..

This is not going to be easy, especially as we approach my birthday at the end of the month and then Christmas.

I know I am weak, foolish and delusional.

I also know I still love her with every part of me.

Time is meant to be a great healer, hurry up time and let me heal.

Image Credit: Google

 

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

 

Shattered But Not Broken

images (5)

Is what I am trying to convince myself….

But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.

I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.

Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.

Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.

I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.

I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!

So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.

I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.

I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.

“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.

Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.

I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.

I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.

Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!

how can she forget me so quickly?

how can she treat me like i don’t exist?

why am I so forgettable?

why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?

what exactly did I do wrong?

why wont she talk to me?

Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!

No Apologies…

I wont apologise for who I am, and the way sometimes I act.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and say things that I know you don’t want to hear, but it’s how I am. If I feel it I say it whether it needs to be said or not.

I told you how I feel and you chose to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t said – and that is fine, it doesn’t mean I will switch it off or keep holding on to any hope that you will one day change your mind and see me for who I am, what I could be, and how good things could be between us.

Yet I am still chasing hard, doggedly persistent because I know what i feel is true – as crazy that may be to you.

Yes I’m brash, annoying, needy, overwhelming at times and all manner of things but that is who I am and the good far outweighs the bad.

I can see you for who you are, beyond the exterior and into the person inside, and I like it!

There is something about you that I just cant walk away from, no matter how hard I have tried.

No matter how much I push you away you are still there…

So take me as I am, fault and all because the reward is you being treated like a queen. Fine I cannot offer you materialistic things, I have no money and no job, but what I can offer is arms to hold you, shoulders for you to cry on, hands to wipe away your tears, and a heart that’s longing for you.

Friendship, respect and love cost nothing but mean so much more than anything money can buy.

So yes, I may drive you mad but think about why…

Why don’t I just walk away when you so clearly state you don’t want what I can offer?

Because I can’t that’s why!

I wont apologise whatsoever for being me and I never will.

Take me as I am, the whole package, the good the bad and the ugly… It will be the best decision you ever make…

If you know anything about me it is that I never give up…

And one day you WILL see the potential in me..

 

I Hate….

I hate the way you walked away,

so easily and carefree,

I hate the way you could so readily,

Feel nothing over me.

 

I hate the fact I meant so little,

so easy to forget.

I hate the fact that I’m the only one hurting,

and you have no remorse or regret.

 

I hate the way you could move on,

without a backwards glance.

I hate the fact I tried so hard,

And you never gave it a second chance.

 

I hate the fact I cry at night,

While you’re out with friends having fun.

I hate the fact I always knew,

That you were my special one.

 

I hate the fact I can let go,

no matter how hard I have tried,

I hate the way you changed so much,

full of stubbornness and pride.

 

I hate the fact you do not care,

that the love we had has gone.

I hate the way you flicked a switch

and can just carry on.

 

I hate the fact that 3 months on,

I miss you more each day.

I hate knowing you ignore me,

never listening to what I have to say.

 

I hate the fact you treat me this way

and no matter what you do…

I hate knowing that despite all this

I can’t stop loving you!